My Thrice Rejected Article About My Second Pregnancy

Below is an article that I submitted to Plum Magazine, Babble and Literary Mama.  All three rejected it   So I shall post it here for your enjoyment and wonder! It was written at the beginning of my second trimester.

Why I Don’t Like to Tell People I’m Pregnant…Again.

When I was pregnant with my first child, everything was so magical. Every single day there was a new milestone to celebrate. I would pour over information in magazines and on the internet about the growth of my baby and my changing body. I wrote in a journal daily to the small bean-sized fetus in my womb. I joined mothers-to-be online chat groups. I spent hours shopping for maternity clothes, baby toys, and accessories. My husband and I made sure that every cute little detail in the nursery was just right. We didn’t want to know the sex of the baby, because it was such a miracle. My joy and ignorance kept me in that “glow” that is so often talked about. I had no idea that there would be any negative side effects of the pregnancy or of the post-natal experience. Sure, the baby would hurt when it came out, but after three or four hours of natural child birth, my midwife would lovingly place the tiny babe to my breast, and he would immediately begin to suckle. Thus my perfect life as a perfect mother would begin perfectly.

Fast forward seven years to my current pregnancy; I have put off maternity clothes until the absolute last minute in the hopes that people think I’m merely getting fat and therefore do not begin defining me by my pregnancy. The journal I tried to start for the newcomer only has three entries. I refuse to get on any chat group that includes expecting women who think it’s cute to put pictures of angels and flowers in their posts or who type on and on about how much they love their husbands (which basically eliminates them all). I have a shirt that states in big letters “I ♥ Epidurals” even though I haven’t worn it yet. And most importantly, my husband and I have made the decision to find out the sex of the baby in order to plan accordingly.

What I did not know, and what nobody talks about when you are pregnant with your first child, is that the first month of being a new mom sucks, and the first year of being a mom can be the hardest of your life. They don’t tell you about just how utterly exhausted you will be or how gross your body becomes. They don’t tell you that you will feel absolutely void of energy or beauty. You will cry a lot, and worry more. You will feel like you live outside of your body. Then as the months go on, you will either snap out of it, or you will be like me and feel less and less like the old you and more and more like the kind of person you never ever wanted to become.

It took me nearly three years and a move to our old stomping grounds to feel like myself again. I had to lose 40 pounds, get new friends, go back to work and rediscover who I was before I was truly happy again. Finally, I feel like super mom and super woman. Why would I want to spoil that?

I remember a couple of years ago when a friend of mine was trying to decide whether or not to have a second child. She had just turned 35 and her daughter, Amy had just turned five. She said to me one day while we were pushing our adorable only children on the swings that she thought she should just get it over with and have another one. I couldn’t believe my ears! Get it over with? Is that really a “good” reason to have a baby? I remember ripping her to shreds behind closed doors with my husband. How could anyone say or think such a thing? If she doesn’t want a child, then don’t have one, but don’t have one because you feel like you “might as well.” There are thousands of couples who would kill for that kind of ambivalence.

Now that I am pregnant with my second, seven years after my first at age 35 I understand what she was saying. She knew that it would be better to have the child now than later. She looked ahead to the sleepless nights, the leaking breasts, the milk machine, the post partum blues, the baby weight, the loss of independence and knew that she certainly didn’t want to do THAT at age 38, 39, or God forbid, 40! So she made a conscious decision to “get it over with” in order to get her life back by the time she turned 38, 39 or 40.

It’s very alienating to feel this cynical about my second pregnancy. I know that when people ask me, “Are you excited?” I’m supposed to say, “Of course! My husband and I are delighted. We’ve been trying for so long and now it really is happening…again.” But what I end up saying more often than not is, “Sure,” and then I get the hell out of there. This is because I’m simply not excited, and my husband and I haven’t been trying for a long time. I know what’s coming, and it terrifies me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not unhappy. We made the choice to have another baby, and know we are very lucky that we had no problems conceiving right when we wanted to, but it’s such a different feeling; more tentative and subdued.

I’m truly thankful for my son, who actually is excited. This is his first baby, and although it probably won’t happen, he envisions long nights of playing Star Wars in the back yard and tons or wrestling on the couch. He pictures he and his brother (because he is sure it will be a boy) doing all kinds of boy stuff that includes superheroes, fort building and hole digging. I try to remind him that he will be seven years older, but he doesn’t seem to care. His excitement knows no bounds. He will spend time talking to my belly, telling it secrets and thinking of more and more ridiculous names for the baby. Right now, he is thinking of naming it Boba Fett.

I’m glad he is excited and know it will rub off on me soon, perhaps when we actually get the ultrasound done that lets us know if the baby is a boy or a girl. In the mean time, I’m going to let my son be excited for all of us. I think it is important for other mothers out there who are considering their second (or third) child after a long break from diapers and nursing to know that you are not alone. It’s ok to feel ambivalent about the pregnancy, as long as you are still taking care of yourself and your baby. Of course when she’s born, you will love her and say, I can’t imagine why we waited so long. But for now, it’s ok to not glow. Don’t let others judge you or your feelings, and certainly don’t feel guilty for thinking, “Why am I doing this again?” Eventually, the reason will be crystal clear.

Post Script: It’s amazing what one ultrasound can do. We saw our beautiful baby girl. She was moving and sucking her thumb, kicking and waving. Now, I am finally getting excited to welcome her to our home. My son, however just got the blues.

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